haminibean

I let it go months ago, why do you keep haunting me??

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 02:18:29 GMT

Please, leave me alone.
Stop posting Twitter things in reference to me. Stop putting things on MySpace or Facebook thinking I will see them.
Stop. If I wanted to cause more drama, I would have continued to bitch at you.
But I left you alone, and I would like my own piece of mind too.

We are both 20, and I am so sick and tired of you writitng things about me.
We dont have the same friends, we dont have the same interests...hell I dont even have to see you ever again if i dont want to.
So please, concern your life with your life, not mine. I may do drugs, I may drink...but its my life. MY life.

Thank you.

Burning desire

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:29:36 GMT

I feel like if I don't write this all out I'm going to slit my wrist
I've never felt like such a failure.
I don't know how much longer I can live in this distance from gabby. I'm dying. I snap on a daily basis. I drink and smoke lots. I'm pathetic. I've never had such a strong urge to cut, but the person I promised I wouldn't do this to anymore, makes me feel like I need to , to calm down.

I'm a mess again world... A complete stupid mess

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Itouch?

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:13:31 GMT

I'm on my itouch typing this out and I can't seem but want a hug a beer or a bong hit. I've been out of it for a few days and I need something.
Who am I turning into?? My old drunk self? Has depression set in? My dreams are back. The bad ones... Maybe it's because I drank the other day? Maybe I should just stay home today?i think I need a soda LOL.
Well going to go live life or something.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'm alone

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:51:27 GMT

The only people I care to have around me anymore are my girlfriend and my mom.
I feel like if I spend time with friends I will lose the drive that I have in life.

I lost a best friend this summer, only because I told her complete and total truth.
I can't stand people who don't understand what its like to live pay check to pay check.

I may only be 20, but with my new car, that yes, I understand I CHOSE to buy it, but it seemed like a good time to purchase such a big item.
But anyway...its hard. I try to see my girl as much as I can, along with car payments, bills, and oweing my parents back money that they lent me.
I would love to see someone do that.

In August, I'll be going to school full time, working at the store and the radio station, while managing the radio station AND holding up a paid internship.
I'm going to be so busy, I wont even know my own name.
People with no drive in life dont understand. And it drives me nuts.

I miss my girlfriend more than anything. Spending the weekend with her made me as such peace it was amazing. I love my Gabby, and no one can ever compare to her. So I hate when people try and compare.

I think I'm going to go curl up in a ball and call it a day haha. At least til I have to go to work anyway.
I'm exhausted, and I miss my love.

I cant wait to move to Philly with her, and start our life on that little brick alley way <3
I love her so much...Tattoo wedding rings is what I'm talking about =)

I love her <3

Just random thoughts

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:39:21 GMT

I am sitting in Gabby's room, and I am just being random.

I love cleaning. I just made up her two beds and organzied her books (kinda).
Why do I like cleaning for other people? Am I going to clean my own home like this when I get older? I hope so!

I am so happy. I can't even remember being this happy in my whole life. I met someone who gets me.
We're both stubborn as fuck, but w/e. It makes it interesting.

I'm so hungry right now, and she is in a meeting. I might just go grab lunch without her.
UGH. so hungry.

Tomorrow is the start of Easter Break, and I can't wait!

I have my interview for station manager of WRKC today. An interview for SCOP editoral staff next week and I need to hand in my application for an paid internship.

I'm a busy girl...very busy.

I'm exhausted. I'm gunna go lunch. all by my lonesome.

Have a good Easter everyone.
ONE MONTH TIL MY 20th BIRTHDAY!!!

My Biggest Fear

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:21:13 GMT

...is losing you.

I've never found somoene I connected with before.
Not like this. I used to have to pretend to be what I wasn't. Now I am acting myself and you love me for me.

I had my first fight/disagreement with my girlfriend today.
It was both of our faults, but we saw at the end that what needed to be seen.
Like time with her friends is during lunch, and we had to both understand that we're both women and we're both PMSing...which REALLY sucks...let me tell you.

My head is killing me. I'm just going to lay in bed all day. Its so nice out, but its not worth it if I'm not spending it with you.
FML.

I miss her one nice days and whenever I'm not with her.
I need to stop being so dependent.

GGRRRRRR

LEARN, PEOPLE LEARN

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 12:51:22 GMT

when someone treats you wrong, leave them.
I am friends with this girl who continues and continues to go back to this guy.
they were engaged and then not, moved out, moved back in, went to war, found a new bride.
should have left him on the first go round.

I dont know why I'm writing about this, but it got under my skin at 9 in the morning.
Looking at her FaceBook kills me...like GET OVER IT.
AND dont beat yourself up over it. For GODS SAKE!

Gabby is amazing, actually waiting for her to come down and meet me.
Love her.

srry I havent written in awhile, Maybe I will.

poem

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:17:43 GMT

"Hate"

A smile on your face
A frown on mine
Tears of joy
Tears of pain
Differences, but still no hate.

I'm dead inside,
You've never felt so alive.
All the lies you told me.
All the truth I believed in.
Still no hate.

I dig the pain out with a razor.
I dig the pain out with salty tears.
I'm sorry I let myself go thro this.
I'm sorry there is no hate for you.
Still no hate.

I wished I knew...

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 12:40:47 GMT

...what I wanted.

Like last night I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep.
I haven't done that in about a month.
I missed him so much for the first time in awhile.
So much that it hurt.

What is wrong with me? I have a boyfriend that loves me?
Why am I always missing the one that hurt me? Is it human nature to go back to the one that has hurt us the most.
Well I went back way too many times.
I am completely broken now.

Sam is awesome, because he stands next to me no matter what kind of breakdown I am having.
I wanted to call him last night, but I didn;t have the heart to tell him why I was really crying.
I mean, he knows, but he doesn't know how much it still tortures my brain.

Steph got me thro it.
She always does.
I can't wait for the day when I can do things on my own, like cheer myself up.

I knew what it was that set me off too: "My Immortal" by Evanescense or something like that.
Yup listening to the lyrics of that song killed my brain and heart for the night.

Jess has cell phone service again =)
I'm excited. We have lots of catching up to do!

I got so excited the other day when she wrote on my myspace wall, haha and Sam was sitting right next to me...(he's still getting used to the fact that his girlfriend likes dicks and pussies) hahahahahahaha
So am i.

It's supposed to be nice today, and I have so much shit to do for school in the next few days, here is a list:
1. 6 page paper due Thursday on Feminism
2. SCOP pages due next Monday (16th)
3. Internship paper due on the 16th too.

UGH I better get cracking...oh I gotta read a novel for my night class too.
ICK.

I'm gunna go do some work, b/c I'm at work now lol
Have a good day all. Enjoy the weather =)

Is it normal...

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:40:54 GMT

...to not trust a soul.
Sometimes I feel the urge, the urge to call him up...because sadly part of me trsuts him still.
what the hell is wrong with me?
Like...he caused me so much pain, yet I still want to crawl back to him...not cool.

I have an amazing man in my life, but I am afraid to trust him.
I am afraid I am going to bring them all down.
"Gay" told me once that I couldnt run to him anymore when I had a problem b/c I "brought him down"...(with schoolwork and mentally)
So why would I want to run to anyone else? Especially someone I love.
Like...will I mentally hurt them too. Because I would never want to hurt someone I actually love.

I am so frustrated and angry today.
I have a headache forming, Sam is at work, and I feel fat after I eat.
Fucking eating disorders never leave you after you're 'cured'.
And I know its the truth, b/c I hate the feeling after I eat something.
I know there are a zillion more ppl bigger than me in the world, but there are also a zillion more who are smaller.
FML.

I am gunna go back to bed I guess, and sleep it off.
I kinda just want to cry...I'll listen to music instead to calm down.

UGH i hate days like today.
Break is almost over, and I have a 6 page paper due in a week, and I have YET to research it. FML

sleepy panda

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:16:53 GMT

I am extremly, extremly tired.
It hurts.

I havent written in a few days.
I have been spending most of my time with Sam, my boyfriend.
Yes...boyfriend...
No I was never a lesbian. Most people thought I was, no, I am just bi.
accept me or hate me.

He is my ex, and when i saw him the other day I melted.
I felt love and trust, and i felt butterflies.
Its scary, but I havent felt this way in a very long time.
I'm happy...granted some days get me down...really down, but he has been there to pick me up.

I love him...
Good night everyone <3

its like you were my favorite drug

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:13:27 GMT

How can a person sleep with somoene just to sleep with someone?
I don't get it?
AT all.

I feel like I have a disease.
I feel used.
I feel unwanted. I feel like I'll never trust another soul.
I am completely broken...completely dead.

It hurts so bad.
Where does this come from?
I was fine yesterday....?
Maybe its because I was open with a friend last night, and now I am scared.

I am honestly scared to like someone...SCARED.
its horrible...its a horrible feeling.

I felt something when I hung out with someone, and I was like..NO! you're not a girl.
This can't be feeling right.

WTF is wrong with me?
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I AM SICK OF BEING THIS WAY!

I give up, completely. I am goign to be a closed off person.
I dont know who or what I like.
I donlt know how to trust.
I lost the trust of a best friend this weekend....WTF.

I'm not clean anymore. Nope. I hurt. I want to use.
I hate everything right now...EVERYTHING.

I'm at work til noon, ugh i'm going to go crazy

I FOUND THE BEST SONG....ever

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:31:20 GMT

well that at least "talks" to me

It's Rihanna's "Rehab"
Here are some lyrics...you will understand why:

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hit me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

Ain't it crazy
When your love slams?
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta win myself over you

ok with that said, I got a good night's sleep.
I learned to put on music and listen to the lyrics instead of thinking before bed.
It felt good to fall right to sleep.

I'm FREEEZING at work haha.
Now i'm actually gunna go work lol

all I want to do is 'good-bye'

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:14:42 GMT

It's the first time in....over a year that I did not get to say Good bye to him before he goes home for break.
It's killing me.
I want to call him up and be...let's hug and say good bye, and put this all behind us.
PLEASE?

But I texted Jaclyn instead, because that's the wiser thing to do.
Spring break starts for me at 1pm, after I take a math test...I couldn't be more excited.
My girl friends and I are going out to a Hibachi resturant, and I'm nerveous to have food thrown at me, but spending time with them also clears my head ( as long as no one brings him up!!)
Spring break means to me....laying in bed, working at Gerrity's once again, and spending as much time as I can with friends...AS MUCH.
I want to take pics on the nice days, and relax on the rainy days.
One of my good friends is going to Jamica or somehting like that one a cruise...and she needs that!
I hope she sends me a pic of the beach =)

I got a good night's sleep last night, took two tyneol PM, b/c I had a massive headache that just wouldnt go away....no matter what I did.
I'm starting to smoke again, and its actually bothering me...
I am getting to the point where I think I NEED a cigarette....when I really don't at all.
Only time will tell before I can't jog anymore due to lack of oxygen flow.
My nose is running, and my clas statrts in 45 mins.

Off to study a lil bit, and the printer just made noise.
ODDDDDD.

Have a good break all.

one day

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:36:42 GMT

clean.
one day i stayed away. one day. one day at a time.
i have the best support in the world, but yet I am still scared.
everytime i see trust, i think of a broken heart that trusted the man that broke me.
the man who told me things he knew would hurt me, just so he could make me feel better again...b/c he knew how.
he knew how to work me...and break me, and he did both quite often.
i always turned it upon myself, either because i should have walked away or because he made me feel it was my fault.

i talked to one of the other girls today, and i want her to know i feel sorry for her more than anything.
she fell in the same trap i fell...i feel for her.

i cut all my hair off and you cant see my forearm from razorblade wounds.
I am not ok...dont ask to help me.
because i only see help as pain in my eyes.
i will choose who i want to help me.
thank you for caring.

im not the same girl I used to be, i am not at all.
i am broken, sick and torn.

Mom, Dad, Mindy, Steph, Jaclyn,Stan, Lauren, Jess, Dr. Field, Miss Mal, Peter, Zach, Maureen, Cathy, Liam, Megyn, Lance, Fr. Bertone, Sue, and anyone else who ever told me to walk away from him....I am so sorry, he was a drug...a big needle in my heart.
but i am one day clean...one day.
i love you all, i really do.
its for you that I am still living.

I got ideas

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 03:09:00 GMT

I didnt feel in the mood to write before.
But I was lying in bed, and the ideas came to me.

Karma is a bitch, and I am paying for it.
It's only fair.
I slept with a friend's ex...therefore two girls that promised me that they would NEVER ever sleep mine, and watched me cry over him did.

Its only fair...no?
Steph came over tonight, too late I had already caused enough damage to my skin.
But besides that, she opened my eyes to the fact that girls are malicious creatures.
Bastards actually.
I say I would never do that to someone, but I already did.
They might not have loved the man the way I did...but its the same thing.

Anyway, people learn and live.
I guess its life's way of weeding out who the true friends are in your life and who doesn't give a shit.
HAHA and the one girl called me her sister.
She can suck a fucking tit that bitch.

I feel like I will never trust another person...but...they just weren't worth my trust.
I'll say hi in passing, Because I'm not that mean...

Steph was right, I might say I hate them now...but I am not one for holding a grudge.
IDK?

Why are women so malicious yet so beautiful?
I am still stuck on one, but I am giving her all the room in the world.
No need to smother those you like.
Time will tell...maybe....if not...it wasn't meant to be, right?

I am gunna go to bed...but Jess is tempting me to come over and rub her back =)
she is offering pretzels...not fair!
haha

good night world, today was a day of learning lessons.
<3

I should write my thoughts and pain down...

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:44:23 GMT

...but I already took them out on myself.

good night.

smarter than the average bear haha

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 11:09:33 GMT

I had an interesting dream last night...I was pulling on to 315 after work, and these two women, with no hair and just bones and NO fat what so ever one them, were walking down the middle of the road.
They were like Zombies, trying to get in everyone's car.
Someone kept screaming, "They're looking for food, someone throw them food!!"

WTF does that mean?
Is it because I have been dwelling on my weight lately?
I mean it is my own fault b/c I am getting fat.
I lay in bed all day instead of getting my lazy ass up and going to the gym. Therefore the extra weight I am putting on it my OWN FAULT.

I am noticing everything is my own fault anymore.
I told someone yesterday that I am completely scared again. Completely.
Like I am being punished...Ugh.

i feel like I gained about 10 lbs in the past 3 days.
I neeeeeed to go to the gym today.
I pray it doesnt snow too much, so I can go to the gym. FML.

I slept from noon to 4:30pm yesterday, then 9pm to 4am...and I am still tired.
How the hell does that happen? Like...wtf.
I should be well rested, but no...I want to lie back down and be a bum.
Ugh i suck at life.

I heard Taylor Swift's "White Horse" twice today, TWICE <3 and I am excited b/c there is one lyric in the end of the song that makes me scream it..."Cuz I'm gunna find someone someday who might actually treat me well..."
I love that lyric x's 10.

Ok. I am getting cranky and crankier by the second. FML FML FML.

I need to relax and calm.

Am I putting last year on repeat...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 13:33:10 GMT

....I think so.

Last year this HORRIBLE woman (Ali) and Kevin got a lot of people against me, because...I was making TRUE alligations that he and I were still 'together' in a sense while they were dating.
So THIS year, almost EXACTLY a year since all the stuff last year...it happens again.
He is setting me up as "crazy" and it's slowly...actually quite quickly killing me.

I am sick of crying, I am sick of cutting, I am sick of getting sick.
My pills work just fine...I think.
This is the thing that DROVE me to this point last year, and I KNOW it.
And so does he, SSOOO WHY would he continue to do it?

Steph was right, either he or I need to get out of that college.
I vote him.
He is a piece of shit in my mind, he broke me last year, and then tried to save me....for what...to bring me RIGHT BACK down again...RIGHT BACK DOWN.

ok...YESSS I just cried really really hard at work...until I called Steph...

I love how all my friends say..."give me his password..i'll fuck with his life"
I could do so much to fuck up his life, but I don't have the heart...I really don't.

I'm scared. I'm sick. I want out.
I have never wanted to be dead in about months than I do today and I did yesterday.
I had finally figured out who I am, and what makes me happy....and look where I ended up...right back at zero.
ZERO.

I need to start getting my life back in line, live like this gay bum is in NY.
Live like nothing ever happened.
Looks like I am getting my mask out of my drawer again...which one do I want to be today?
FML.

Pray for me? If you believe in something, b/c I just want to lay in bed with somene and cry, but I guess I did it to myself.

who really cares?

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:07:03 GMT

This question is like STUCK in my head currently.
I had a reaaaalllyyyy depressed thought when I woke up, one that I would have thought of and actually acted on about 4 months ago.
So I texted Stan.
He cheers me up alot. More than a person should...hhmmm.

Anyway, I am still thinking back to yesterday and how stupid I acted, but I shouldn't take it out on myself.
Fool me once...shame on you...you won't fool me again you sex crazed fucker. haha

It feels good to bash people who don't even give two shits about me.

Another thing that makes me smile, lighting candles and incense.
REALLY good =)
ALSO...dancing to Lady Gaga lol
Her music makes me dance HARDCORE.
I should wake up everyday to her music lol...my days would be so much better.

-- I totally miss having someone love me for who I am. Loving my flaws and loving me when I fart and cry, the little things.
I'm such a hopeless romantic. Someday, I'm not gunna go searching for ppl...When that person comes along, I'll know I guess.
But now I have my friends and my cat. and MY MOM! <333

I need to get a shower and get ready for school.

Have a good Friday!

poetry during my night class...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 02:22:58 GMT

Our History

Falling in the trap
Words full of promise,
Lies are full of hope.

I fall.

Knowing what will happen,
Walking right into it,
Like the fly to the trap.
I yearn.

Your pleasure is heaven,
Your lips are candy lies.
Sweet words of promises.
I'm down.

Lust takes over,
Nothing new to us.
Knowing what will happen,
I walked right into your lies.
-Katie M. 2/19/09

That was the poem I wrote in my night class tonight. I bet you any money, all my friends know what its about...I bet you..up she went back to him. WRONG.
I wished I could express my feelings, but if you truly truly know my past, you will figure out the poem.
Good luck with that folks.

Anyway, today was a good day...I had a quick spat with crying b/c well...read the poem.
But other than that...I am learning really good ways to cope with things. Like Beth and Kevin. I saw him smile today when he got a text, and it made my heart smile. I am happy for him, that he has found someone that makes him feel that happy. Good for him.
I can even handle him talking about her to me, b/c i know now that I could never been that woman for him.
I don't think I could be that woman for any man...its just hard to grasp the concept.
It's what society finds right, but what i find wrong.
if you get me.

All in all it was a good day, keep reading, b/c when I have a super bad day...youll love it haha.
<3

new to this

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:20:19 GMT

Hello readers:

I was told to start writing one of these by a counselor to get my thoughts in order.
So I signed up.
I know a lot of ppl with LiveJournal, so why not have this one.

I feel like I have been messing up my life the past few days.
I should have been patient, I feel like I should have waited things out....but that's not like me.
Granted I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I still feel like shit b/c i know the turn out.

School is quite a burden for me anymore, I feel bad for my mother who has to drag my ass out of bed everyday...and call me once she is at work to make sure I have gone to school.

But, I just found out that the baby is an OLIVER!, not my baby, my friend's baby.
Thank goodness its a boy, b/c we have all been calling it Oliver for some time =)

I think I am gunna go buy myself a muffin, and try to cheer myself up.
Even though eating will most likely make me cranky.
Its my day off from my diet.

UGHHH I hope I didn't mess things up, and I hope my counselor was right =)